Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Wed Sep 15, 2004 at 07:34:43 pm EDT
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #12; stealing cars and their names!
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #12
By Neil Kapit

A long silence lingers at the Nitz the Bloody household kitchen. The leader of this little band of magical freaks, who has finally returned after a brief sojourn with his robotic lover, sits at the table, looking at his hand. In the palm of his hand is the diamond screw he planned to give A soda can rests by his arm, half full ( or half empty, asking Nitz ). Zach and Tricia sit at the sides of the table, waiting for his answer.

“ Can’t believe it, “ Nitz whispers. “ Can’t believe it..... “

” She was mind-controlled, “ he continues. “ That’s it. The Centurion controlled her circuits. I just gotta find the Centurion’s owner, kill him, and everything will be fine. We’ll get back, have pie, and we’ll be together again. Yeah, that’s it.... “

” Nitz, are you alright? “ Tricia asks?

” Allright? “ He laughs. “ Allright?! OF COURSE I’M NOT @#$%ING ALRIGHT! My girlfriend has just been kidnapped! How in God’s name could I be alright! “

“ Chill, dude, “ Zach suggests, “ Maybe you need to lie down. “

Nitz stands up, and slams his fist on the table. He ends up hurting his hand, while the plastic and metal table is unscathed. “ Dammit, “ he hisses, “ I didn’t expect you to understand. “

“ Understand what, “ Tricia inquires. “ That you’ve been acting like a complete ass the past few days? “

” I wouldn’t be acting like an ass if you understood what I’m going through! “

” We understand, “ Tricia states calmly. “ We thought about it, and we know why you’re with Joan. You’re lonely, and you need someone to take care of you, even a computer. It’s not rocket science. “

” I’m in LOVE, dammit! And I’m going to kill as many people as I need to to get her back! “

“ Whoa, “ Zach says, “ In LOVE? And back the @#$% up for a second. Heroes don’t kill. “

“ I’m not a hero, “ Nitz snarls. “ I’m just a guy who’s going to do whatever it takes to get my fiancee back. And you aren’t helping. So goodbye. “

Nitz shouts “ Transporteku “ and dissapears. Zach and Tricia are left alone.

“ He really needs help, “ Zach states, spinning his finger around his ear.

“ Maybe, “ Tricia replies. “ Or maybe, just maybe, there’s something to Joan that we aren’t seeing. “

Zach and Tricia look at eachother. “ Nah, “ they say in unison. “ He’s whacked. “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ ZEKU! “ Nitz screams, floating through the Zeku dimension. “ You get your ass over here! “
“ I am everywhere in this dimension, “ the rhino’s voice replies. “ What do you need. “

” Joan’s missing, and I don’t know where to find her. Help me out over here. “

” I am the god, you are my priest. You do not make demands of ME. “

“ Watch me, b*tch. “

” I think you should settle down. You never knew where Joan came from. But you always knew, in the back of her mind, that she was capable of this. “

Nitz bares his teeth. “ She. Was. MIND-CONTROLLED! Do I have to draw you a @#$%ing diagram! “

” Good priests do not speak such language. “

Nitz pauses, then starts to calm down. “ Look, I’m not a good priest, okay? I’m just a guy with an empty life, who found his true meaning in Joan. I’m nothing without her, and I can’t go on like this. So could you PLEASE help me find her? “

” I can tell you one thing. “

” What’s that? “

” Overrideku. “

” Overrideku? What the hell does that mean? “

” Hello? Zeku? Where are you? Answer me, dammit!“

No voice responds. Nitz is left alone, floating through the black void.

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“ I think, therefore I am. But what am I? “

The android dubbed Joan walks through the halls of a secret laboratory under Parodopolis Sound. The hall is completely barren and stark, except for the robot guards that occasionally march through. The only voices she hears are those of her own, and of the man known as Adversarius, her creator.

“ You are the XJ5, a name better suiting you than a stupid automobile. You are the latest in a long line of my creations. You are the most advanced creature I’ve ever built. “

” I have mixed feelings about my existence. What is my existence meant for? What was I created to do? “

” I should say you can do anything you want to do....but you can’t. You were designed for my purposes only, and to a lesser extent the Iron Centurion’s. I don’t know how you’ve eluded me for so long, or what you’ve been up to, but you’re mine now. “

” I have done as you pleased. I gave up the man I thought I loved to fulfill my duties to you. What more is there to do? What is my purpose now that I am bereft of him? “

” Wait....back the @#$% up. Who was this man you loved ‘? “

” Take a guess, Adversarius. “

” Let’s see....when we finally found you, you were with....Nitz?! You were doing NITZ?! “

” In such crude terms, yes. “

” I can’t handle this. My finest creation gains sentience, a will of its own, and it @#$%s with my archnemesis?! “

The voice screams. “ That’s IT! @#$% your technological brilliance. I’m deleting your databanks. You’ll go back to being a one-note robot like the Centurion, designed just for doing my bidding and killing my enemies. Just come along quietly. “

” And if I refuse? “

” You’ll come along loudly. “

A metal tentacle extends from the ground behind Joan. It coils its way around her waist. She contracts her waist, grabs the tentacle, and breaks it in two. More tentacles appear from the floor, followed by armed turrets from the ceiling. She runs away from them, weaving across the floor and stretching her body to avoid the laser blasts. Finally, she feels a sharp piercing in her electronic brain, and falls to the ground, crumpled up in a sensation known as pain.

“ You cannot stop me, “ Joan states, trying to move but unable to manage more than a twitch. “ Nitz will be here soon. He will punish you. “

” Well, “ the voice of Adversarius laughs, “ He better hurry. “

NEXT: Nitz vs. Adversarius in the final battle. Nothing will be the same.


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